The 5 ways to start playing big
You are here to play big.
For as long as you can remember, ‘ambition’ is your middle name. You started this career with big visions of success. When you look back at the past years, you’ve done well for yourself. You have a job you enjoy, you were promoted (numerous times) and you keep developing yourself as a leader.
And yet, ambitious as you are, you know there’s more. And this more is not so much about external success, but more so about how expansive you want to feel. You want to shine bright; not just for yourself but for all the people your interact with. Your playing big will give others permission to play big too. And if you are completely honest to yourself, you are keeping yourself small.
How do you know you are playing small? Here are some clues:
You are your own worst critic. Your inner critic is having a ball every time you try something new and expansive. Thoughts like “Am I good enough for X?” or “I can’t” race through your mind, triggering emotions of doubt, fear and overwhelm. From there, inaction and procrastination keep you right where you are.
You keep prioritizing other people’s needs over your own, depleting your energy with little left to give yourself. Your boundaries are very blurry.
You dream of making a bold move, but fear takes over: “What if it all fails?”
You are hooked on praise and criticism. Positive feedback thrills you and gives you a feeling of worthiness. Negative feedback leaves you doubting yourself and your abilities. With every bold decision you wonder what other people will think of you.
Your mind has become a subtle master of hiding. “This and then that” is a strategy that you are painfully familiar with. “First I need to complete a training, only then can I move to a new field” or “First I need to get more experience, only then can I start my own business” or “First I need to save more money, only then can I move abroad”.
Nobody wins when you play small. It’s time to play all out. These 5 strategies will help you play big:
Unmask your inner critic
Redefine fear
Unhook from praise and criticism
Listen to your inner mentor
Move from inaction to action
And if you play big, others will rise to the occasion too. Win-win!
1. Unmask your inner critic
Do you know that little voice in your head that keeps telling you you are not ready and not good enough? Newsflash: that’s not you.
We all have an inner critic. This voice was born during childhood and has one job: to protect us. For some people, it’s main aim is to protect them from embarrassment. For others, it is to protect them from failure or from feeling lonely. The specifics of the message of your inner critic highly depends on your early and late experiences, but the essence of the message is the same. It keep telling you in one (subtle) way or the other that you are not good enough (yet).
For most leaders when they start playing big, their true inner voice and their inner critic are melted together. They can’t differentiate between the two, because they never knew there are different parts of themselves. So how do we unmask our inner critic?
You name it. Give your inner critic a name. Some call it Bill, Jill or Susie. Other call it “the Witch” or “the Gremlin”. The name itself doesn’t matter as much. Just choose a name that does not remind you of an actual someone you know. As you can imagine, things may get messy then. Naming your inner critic will help you unglue the inner critic’s voice from your true inner voice.
You call it out. Once you have a name, you can start calling him/her out whenever you notice you are choosing to play small. As you hear negative thoughts come up when you are up to do something big, remind yourself that this is not you. This is just “Whiny Will” trying to protect you.
“Hey Whiny Will, thanks for looking out for me, but I got this” will become your second nature the more your practice discriminating between the real you and your inner critic. You will start relating differently to “Whiny Will”. You may move through a cycle of resentment towards him, but the more you start understanding his intentions, the more you see he is just being an overprotective parent. Now that you are grown up, you got this. There is no need for “Whiny Will” to protect you.
Take a moment every day to journal on your inner critic (as little as 5 minutes will help you tremendously). Some questions that can help you get started:
What is their core message to you? What are you “not enough” of? (e.g. smart enough, beautiful enough, strong enough, etc)
What is he/she trying to protect you from?
What was the first time you remember this voice playing a role in your life?
Why is it present today?
Who would I be if I did not believe the voice?
Have some fun exploring your inner critic. You’ll notice the more you unmask it, the more subtle the message may become.
The goal is never to get rid of the inner critic, though. Resisting or pushing it out will only have it come back with full force (like with any negative emotion). Instead, the goal is to get to know your inner critic and start recognizing when it is speaking to you.
By becoming aware, you will start having a choice. Will you listen to your inner critic and believe it’s message? Or will you choose to not believe it’s message and go for that bold move?
2. Redefine fear
Fear. A very real and physical emotion that can keep us right where we are. Even if we start recognizing our inner critic and the message it conveys, we may still experience bodily sensations that resemble fear once we start leaping into playing bigger. We need to redefine fear to start relating differently to it.
In her book ‘Playing Big’, Tara Mohr introduces two kinds of fear from the Hebrew Bible: Pachad and Jirah.
Pachad is the fear of projected or imagined things. It is the overreactive, irrational kind of fear that is based on worries about what could happen (the worst-case scenarios we imagine). It’s the fear that triggers an imagined doom-and-gloom future full of embarrassment, failure or worse.
Pachad is the fear that comes up when our inner critic is having a party in our minds. It is the fear that drives thoughts like “If I apply for that job, I probably won’t get invited because I don’t have the experience. Best to not apply to save me from embarrassment”. Or “I always used to get scolded for speaking up when I was young, so it’s best to keep quiet in meetings”.
Yirah is different. I would translate Yirah to excitement, instead of fear. It is the fear that comes up when we leave our comfort zone and take emotional risks that come with playing bigger. It is the feeling that comes up when we start inhabiting a space that is bigger than what we’re used to.
Both this fear (pachad) and excitement (yirah) come with a heightened sense of alertness, adrenaline and nervousness. Fear, though, usually focuses on a potential future outcome (imagined) whereas excitement is more about what is happening right here and now. Excitement also comes up when imagining stepping up to play bigger.
Start recognizing the difference between this fear (pachad) and excitement (yirah). Recognize fear as an attempt of your inner critic to protect you. And embrace the excitement of starting to inhabit a bigger space than you are used to. Lean in to excitement and create space for fear to dissolve.
3. Unhook from criticism and praise
Let’s face it. You are addicted. You are addicted to listening what people think of you. Let alone imagining whatever people think of you. Good or bad. Over time, you’ve become extremely skilled at being adaptive to feedback when needed. It has brought you this far, but it’s time to unhook you from criticism and praise if you want to play bigger.
It makes sense that you did get hooked. You are a social being. Your heightened sense of awareness of other people’s reactions helped you to increase your acceptance and likeability. And all of that was (or is) key to your survival.
Leaders, though, pave new paths; paths that have yet to be walked on. Contemplating what other people think of you will only restrict you. So here are some reminders to help you unhook from criticism and praise:
Remind yourself that feedback is not about you. Feedback is actually about the person giving the feedback. Feedback gives you clues about what the other person values. We learn about their opinions and their preferences. It does not tell you anything about your worth. By understanding and embracing this, we always have a choice in choosing whether we want to adapt to those opinions and preference or not. Do not link your feeling of worthiness to feedback.
Leaders that play big will get criticized. You will get criticized. Period. But the truth is, you’ll get criticized too if you play small. So why hold back? Remember, the criticism is not really about you.
Criticism only hurts when it mirrors something you believe about yourself. If I start laughing hysterically at you because your hair is blue, you’ll think I am crazy. You know your hair is NOT blue, so you are not bothered by my comment. You’ll get hurt only by criticism you believe about yourself to be true (or your inner critic has told you it so many times already). A trigger of hurtful criticism is therefore an invitation to start digging into your negative beliefs about yourself and reframe those old “truths”.
Focus on something bigger than praise. Having a strong motivation or mission of why you want to play bigger helps you to unhook from praise. What is more important to you than praise? This can be you helping others, or your wish to express yourself, or your own fulfillment and pride that comes with the leap you want to make. Focus on that; not on the praise. Whatever people think positively of you when making the leap will be a cherry on top of the cake. But you do not need the cherry; you already have the cake of your own fulfillment and living your mission.
4. Listen to your inner mentor
Now that you know what not to listen to (your inner critic, fear and what other people think) when you are stepping up as a leader, it’s time to introduce who you do want to listen to: your inner mentor.
Your inner mentor is you, but 20 years from now. What would your future You do in this situation? What would he or she be proud of? What would he or she do when being back on the crossroads you are standing on right now?
Connecting with your inner mentor can be a real catalyst for change as you start embodying the person you want to become. Two ways of how you can connect to him/her:
Visualize your inner mentor. A guided visualization meditation brings you to a state of receptiveness and helps you to create a picture of your inner mentor. You can find different meditations online, and I can guide you live through an inner mentor coaching session. I have seen magical results happening once leaders truly connect to their inner mentor and make choices based on what they would do.
Write your own eulogy for your funeral. This exercise truly connects you to what is important to you. How do you want to be remembered? How can the old and fulfilled version of you give you advice today?
5. Move from inaction to action.
I think we can both agree on one thing: inaction does not help you to play big. And while unmasking your inner critic, redefining fear, unhooking from praise & criticism ánd listening to your inner mentor help you to build confidence and courage, the only thing that will actually move the needle is action.
Inaction is usually a way to hide and procrastinate. We tell ourselves “This before that” or we overcomplicate things and perfect our plan on paper before actually doing something. You do not need a new degree and you certainly do not need more experience before taking action. So start uncovering your own hiding strategies so that you can challenge yourself to take action instead.
This one is very simple. Just ask yourself: what is the smallest action I can take that helps me play big?
Whiteboarding and making plans behind closed doors do not count. These are actions that seem like you are playing big, but actually leave you hiding in your cave. Expressing yourself publicly in meetings, asking for input on your new leadership initiative, and saying “yes” to that new role are the actions that help us to come out of hiding and play BIG.
Yes, you will experience your newly defined excitement (and maybe some of that old fear) when getting into actions that take you out of your comfort zone. Your inner critic may still speak up loudly in an attempt to protect you. But you have your bigger goal now that goes beyond praise, and your inner mentor to support you along the way.
Thank you for playing big. I know you do not only do this for you. You show an example to all other leaders out there for what is possible.
Your bold actions give others permission to play big too. Feel the fear (excitement) and do it anyway.
Your future You is so proud of you.
And so am I.
