This time, your new habit will stick.
Our daily lives are full of habits and rituals.
Some good, some bad.
Some wanted, some unwanted.
With spring in the air, it’s a great time to reconsider the little choices we make on a daily basis. Or at least, a much better time than the doomed-to-fail new year resolutions in January.
Maybe you already see people’s energy rise around you. Some have dusted off their trainers and started running again in the park. Others wake up earlier to get precious time for themselves before the rest of the world wakes. Still others have taken the time to clear the clutter in their house and relieved themselves of a whole lot of mental clutter in the process.
I love spring. As a matter of fact, I am spring child with my birthday in May. Spring is the time to start something new. It is the time of excitement and initiation, boldness, and confidence. As the trees grow their leaves and their blossom starts blooming, so will you have more energy to grow. Just like nature.
A perfect time to introduce a new habit to your life. That one that you’ve been wanting to start for some time now. It all starts with a decision. You can make that decision right here and right now.
Want to wake up one hour earlier to enjoy more time alone? Decide now.
Want to host weekly dinner parties to enjoy time spend with friends laughing? Decide now.
Want to start working out twice a week to feel stronger? Decide now.
Want to stop eating sugar to increase your energy levels during the day? Decide now.
Want to connect with your team more deeply and set up weekly 1:1s for their support? Decide now.
Before continuing, take a moment to decide what the one thing is for you that you have intended to change for some time. You postponed it before, but not this time. You are ready to welcome spring in your life and start this one new thing today.
Remember, you are always one decision away from a totally new life.
There are so many myths about habits
They are countless. The unknowns and endless confusion about how to start or keep a new habit may make it difficult for you to start at all.
“They say it takes at least 21 days to form a habit.”
”Oh, but I read it was 100 days?”
“They say that people with bad habits do not have willpower.”
”Oh, but I read it’s because of trauma they make bad decisions?”
“They say the best way to start a new habit is to have a clear goal”
”Oh, but I read one must change their environment to support them first?”
Confusing, right? Right.
Let’s start with who you are
Whether it’s 21 or 100 days for a habit to form, or for willpower, goals or environment to have an influence depends highly on who you are. We have such different personalities that it’s almost impossible to make any generalization about what works for everyone when it comes to forming habits. I thought it was impossible to generalize at all, but one book proved to me it was not.
Writer Gretchen Rubin nailed a generalization in her books ‘Better Than Before’ and ‘The Four Tendencies’. She categorizes people into four groups, depending on answers to one simple question “How do I respond to expectations?”. According to Rubin, we all face two kinds of expectations—outer expectations (meet deadlines, answer a request from a family member) and inner expectations (keep a New Year’s resolution, start a new habit). Our response to expectations determines our “Tendency”—that is, whether we fit in one of the four categories that Rubin calls “The Four Tendencies”.
Meet the Four Tendencies
We all meet or resist inner and/or outer expectations. Depending on our compliance or resistance, we each have a main “Tendency”. Knowing our “Tendency” can help us set ourselves up for success when we form new habits. We can meet our promises to ourselves, make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and as a bonus engage more deeply with others (by knowing their “Tendency” too).
So let’s find out what your “Tendency” is.
The Upholder
An upholder meets both inner and outer expectations. Others can rely on Upholders, and Upholders can rely on themselves. “What’s on the schedule and to-do list for today?” is how Upholders wake up. They are self-directed and easily meet commitments, hit deadlines (they finish early) or keep resolutions. They are disciplined, and in that discipline, they find their freedom.
They thrive when the “rules of the game” (a.k.a expectations) are clear. When the “rules” are not clear, they may struggle. They may get highly uncomfortable when they’re not observing rules, even pointless ones. Similarly, they are compelled to meet expectations, also pointless ones.
I am an Upholder. Before knowing I was an Upholder and that being an upholder is quite rare, I thought everyone either did not truly want to change or had a lack of willpower in forming new healthy habits when they failed (not anymore, Thank God).
When I decided I was going to meditate for one hour in the morning, I was going to do that no matter what. It became my rule, and my rules are sacred. I do this up to a point where one might ask, but “WHY Manon?”. And sometimes, quite frankly, I do not have an answer. This is why I benefit from regular check-ins with myself to make sure the reasons I decided to do something are still valid, and it did not just become a pointless rule. Upholders can be relentless in that way, and tiring to both others as themselves.
If you recognize yourself as an Upholder, some strategies you can benefit from when forming or keeping your new habits are:
Schedule your new habit at a specific time of the day and not ‘some time in the day’. Making the time very specific will help your tendency to meet the clear expectation you set for yourself.
Keep a “to do” list for your habit, so that you can check it off once it is done. Upholders find this extremely satisfying.
If a big change is coming up (new house, new job or anything else), pair the change with the start of your new habit. I recently did this when moving to a new house and re-installing my morning routine. It works (for me).
The Obliger
The Obliger also meets outer expectations (like the Upholder), but resists inner expectations. Their life’s motto is: “I do what I have to do. I don’t want to let others down, but I may let myself down.” Obligers are brilliant in meeting external demands and deadlines. They go the extra mile to meet their responsibilities, so they make amazing colleagues, leaders and friends.
They resist inner expectations though, so without external accountability, they may usually end up deprioritizing their personal “priorities”. Without the accountability, these wishes just fall off the list. Obligers need accountability even for activities they want to do. If reading more books is on your wishlist, go join a bookclub. Accountability can come in the form of deadlines, late fees, or (most likely) the fear of letting someone down. How do you know you’re an Obliger? When you use, “I give 110% to my colleagues at work, so of course I don’t have time to exercise”, or “I cannot cancel that meeting to have more time for myself because that person needs me”, or anything along those line. You get the jist.
Obligers are more common than you think. I coach lots of Obliger leaders. They wonder “Why do I always make time for other people’s priorities at the expense of my own?”. And while there may be some need for reviewing their critical thoughts and boosting their self-confidence, a lot of times, it is a need for accountability.
Obligers are susceptible to burnout; they often have difficulties saying “no”. It may lead to a feeling of overwhelm and “I’ve had it”, resulting in “Obligerrebellion”, where Obligers abruptly refuse to meet any expectations.
When it comes to habits, Obligers find it the most difficult to form a habit from all the Four Tendencies. We usually install habits for our own benefit, without someone watching us. There is no-one to disappoint but ourselves, and Obligers are quite good at that. The one thing you must focus on as an Obliger when starting a new habit is accountability.
Hire yourself someone that can be an accountability partner (like a coach)
Find yourself a workout buddy with whom you’ll meet if working out is part of your wish. Ask a friend to read a book at the same time, or join a bookclub if you want to read more.
Consider yourself as a role model for your team, friends or children. To be an example for others and fulfilling your commitments in that way will help you stay motivated.
Imagine and list your duties to your future-self. What would he or she want from you now?
The Questioner
The questioner question all expectations, and they respond to an expectation only if they decided that it makes sense. They only meet inner expectations. Questioners question. Their head is in charge and they are motivated by logic, reason and fairness. “Why?” is their go to question. If that answer is clear, they know what needs to be done.
Questioners want to make well-thought-through decisions and come to their own conclusions. They decide themselves whether a new habit is a good idea, and they wouldn’t do anything that has no obvious purpose. Once they’ve researched and found sufficient evidence to follow an expectation, they’ll do it. They won’t do anything if they think it is ineffective, inefficient, or just plain BS in their view. They only take orders or direction from people they respect.
When communicating an expectation to a Questioner, it is crucial to explain yourself. “Everyone has to do this”, “I am the boss” or “This is just the way things go” are not moving Questioners by even an inch. Be sure to come with proper justifications and information.
Ironically, Questioners hate being questioned. Their actions come after thoughtful consideration, so questioning their actions just feel tiresome to them. In habit formation, once Questioners believe the habit is worthwhile (based on research, stories or any other information they value), they’ll stick to it. But only if they’re satisfied with the usefulness of the habit. If you recognize yourself in a Questioner, you benefit from these strategies when forming your new habit:
Research and find evidence for your hypothesis of what benefits the new habit will give you.
Be clear and specific. Consider exactly WHY, and also HOW a particular habit should be kept. Come back to these when you feel your new habit doesn’t stick immediately.
Track your habit, it’s progress and the influence it has on you. This highly depends on the habit, of course. If it is exercise, you may wish to keep track of your weight, your muscle build up or your feeling of fitness as proof of the habit working or not.
The Rebel
And finally, the Rebel. Rebels will be Rebels. They resist all expectations, both inner and outer. They find their freedom by having sense a choice, each and every day and moment. Their motto makes it clear not to mess with them: “I do what I want, in my own way. If you try to make me do something—even if I try to make myself do something—I’m less likely to do it.”
Rebels refuse what they are supposed to do. They value autonomy, authenticity and self-determination. This may sound challenging in interacting with Rebels, but remember that rebels can do anything they decide they choose to do. They seek to live up to their own identity and values. Anything that does not speak to their identify and values, though, won’t be adhered to. They don’t budge for arguments like “I asked you to do this” or “Everyone must do this”. Usually, this only results in them doing the exact opposite. Like I said: Rebels will be Rebels.
Rebels resist control and they are tempted to break “rules” and expectations. This can sometimes be tiring to themselves, because they can’t even tell themselves what to do. Rebels usually resist habits, because they value spontaneity. Whereas the Upholder finds their freedom in discipline, the rebel finds their freedom in choice. Scheduling or repetitive routines therefore don’t necessarily work for a Rebel. If your main tendency is a Rebel and want to form a new habit, go for these strategies instead:
Focus on your “Why”. Why do you want the new habit? How does it add to your identity? Finding the motivation here is key.
Find a way where the habits sets you apart to other people. You like being different; a Rebel. Design your habit in a way that not many people are like you.
Don’t schedule your habit on a same time every day, but make sure you can always choose to do the new habit or not. Choice to you is key. Build in moments of choice for yourself to spend time doing x or y. Choose and then enjoy that choice.
Knowing your “Tendency” will help you be successful
Knowledge is power. You understanding your own Tendency means that you can adapt your environment to work in your favor when it comes to forming new habit. It is much easier to change our environment than to change ourselves. Believe me, I know.
Once you know your “Tendency”, you can work with yourself in soothing your environment so that you are more likely to follow through with your new habit. As an Upholder, I need a firm decision to start with. Once I decide, I’ll do it. But it also helps me to stick to a schedule or a location. When I decided I was going to meditate for one hour each morning, I made it easy for myself to do that. How?
I bought a Philips Wake-up light so that the darkness of my room would not nudge me back to sleep after the alarm went.
I set up the meditation room the night before and always used to same pillow, blanket and incense.
I laid out my clothes so that my partner would not awake
I meditated for one hour each morning for a couple of years. Until I noticed I just became rigid about it and it did not actually help me anymore to feel in touch with my true essence. This moment of reflection was key for me as an Upholder. As noted above, I may have a tendency to follow through with even useless things. I now meditate 20 minutes each morning and it works perfectly for me.
As an Obliger, your priority is to set up your accountability system. For a Questioner, you must find your arguments and only stick to the new habit once it has proven to be useful. Allow yourself time for the habit to prove itself. And Rebels, you will need to create space for choice. In designing (for example) a morning routine, come up with options that you can always choose and amend each morning. You need space to answer the question “What do I want to do?”
What’s next?
If this blog helped you to understand yourself just a little better, great. Self-awareness is key in your journey of change. If you want more of this juice, go ahead and read the full books ‘Better than Before’ or ‘The Four Tendencies’, written by Gretchen Rubin.
If you want more personal guidance and a challenge on your current perspectives and experiences as a leader while implementing your desired new habit or lifestyle, then send me an email. I may have a spot for you for my amazing 10 week 1:1 coaching program for Conscious Leaders where you’ll move from overwhelm and stress to confidence and ease.
